Then There Were Three

Then There Were Three

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It was only supposed to happen one time. We spent months, it felt like, talking about it. If that’s not a turn off I don’t know what is, but I guess it’s not one of those things that just randomly happens.

It was a disaster waiting to happen. This couple of nine years, NINE, approached me about a threesome. At first I thought they were just entertaining the thought without the intent of actually going through with it. Maybe thats why I played along or maybe I knew they’d end up following through but I just knew it was one of those situations that would NEVER work out. Plus, I find unavailable very appealing apparently.

I say this couple approached me. They weren’t random people off the street. (Even though, considering my history, that wouldn’t be that big of a shocker). We knew of each other. Even though they were a few years older than me, we did go to high school together. Plus, I worked with the girl. That’s where everything was discussed mainly. And if you’ve ever worked in the restaurant industry, you know everybody that works there knows or finds out everything.

Again, I say this couple approached me. It really wasn’t a united front thing. It was blatantly obvious the the girl wasn’t all in but the guy really wanted it to happen. That’s why we talked about it so much. She basically had to be talked into it.

I didn’t know, at the time, their whole relationship story. Obviously, anybody together  for that long was going to have problems-ups and downs. I just assumed their relationship needed some spicing up in the bedroom. It would happen one time, they’d be rekindled in whatever they were lacking and that would be that. But, that wasn’t how things played out at all! Instead, it ended up the three of us being in a full blown relationship-as if a normal relation isn’t hard enough!
Dear Lord, I should be well aware by now that when we follow our own desires over Your desires for us, things tend to get rocky-way rockier than they ever needed to be. I’m so thankful for Your unending grace and mercy. I’ve turned away time and time again, but You are always there to welcome me back. You gave us the commandments to help keep us safe from unnecessary heartache. Help me to view those as safety nets rather than rules I have to follow. You aren’t an unbearable God, You just want to keep us safe. And when I do stray, help lead me back to You! In Your name I pray, Amen! 

Right in the Middle Of My Mess, God Gave Me a Miracle 

Right in the Middle Of My Mess, God Gave Me a Miracle 

The count down was on. He got an opportunity that would take him out-of-state and I really thought she would follow him. But.....I ended up being pregnant..png

Things were just casual at first (if you can even call it that). I don’t even really remember how things transitioned to becoming more serious. But, next thing I know, they were both moved into my house. Occasionally, we’d stay at one of their places but not very often.

Some of you may be thinking, “How in the world was your mom okay with all of this?!?” She wasn’t. But, she tolerated it because, for once, I was home. For once, she knew where I was and wasn’t worrying about me. (Okay, she was probably worrying about me just not about where I was or if I was alive).

To say this was an adjustment was an understatement. I am a person who is all about my “me time” and this situation definitely put a damper on that. Luckily, I had a king size bed to fit all of us but, I was always stuck sleeping in the middle (how awkward that was looking back now).

In the beginning, everything for the most part, was pretty equal. It was an all-inclusive thing meaning we were all having sex together. But then things changed. (As do all relationships you take to the next level that aren’t supposed to be taken there or that are taken there too quickly). I started to notice that feelings were being developed. Even though we were all in a “committed relationship” there wasn’t really feelings there, they just didn’t want me sleeping with other people, because they weren’t. And anytime sex is involved, somebody is going to eventually develop feelings.

She started excluding herself. I don’t know if she was doing it on purpose because she could tell things had changed, too, or what. But, sex started becoming just between me and him more frequently. I asked him a couple of times about his feelings but he insisted he loved us the same-his actions just suggested otherwise.

Eventually, I was just over the situation. There was more and more arguing, hurt feelings and jealousy. I wanted out but I was so worried about breaking them up or losing my friends when in reality we weren’t even really friends to begin with. The relationship wasn’t healthy for any of us. And even though he thought we could all be apart of some “big love” polygamy society, I knew it would never work and I think she knew that, too.

The countdown was on. He got an opportunity that would take him out-of-state and I really thought she would follow him. But……

I ended up being pregnant. 

That broke them up. But, I still needed my space after feeling trapped for so long that I didn’t want to be with him. Plus, the guilt of breaking up a nine-year relationship was something serious. I knew that I had snatched her dream of marrying him and starting a family with him right out from under her feet. Even though she allowed it to happen, I was still just as much at fault for going along with it.

 

Dear Lord, I am so thankful that you took this mess and made something beautiful come of it. At the time, I thought nothing but disaster could come from this but, You had bigger plans. Sometimes You allow things to run its course so that we will return to You. And I am oh so thankful that You are always waiting there for me with arms wide open-waiting there for me to return. Help me to remain in You, O God! In Your name I pray, Amen! 

 

Lake Deception

Lake Deception

Turn this mess of mine, O God, into Your message..png

I met a stripper in five points, ended up going home with her-wise choices, I know. It’s a miracle I wasn’t ever murdered or anything. I moved in with her shortly after that-another wise choice. I don’t know what my deal was but, I just did NOT want to be at home. I would stay with anybody to prevent being home.

I was invited to the lake with her and some of her friends. It was the first time I was meeting them. I somehow got blindsided into getting involved with her and her boyfriend. Going into this trip I had no idea they were an item. I really don’t even think you could call it that. It was one of those things where it wasn’t a committed thing (obviously) but maybe an open relationship or a no strings attached type thing. I really have no idea-to this day.

Anyway, we decided to go skinny dipping. It was just the three of us and it was some kind of ultimatum for me, “come skinny dipping with us and who knows where it’ll go, or don’t come in at all. You can watch or go back up to the house.” Okayyyy. So nobody ever really wants to watch other people (that’s extremely awkward) so, I went swimming. I could’ve gone back up to the house, but I didn’t know anybody. Yes, I know this would’ve been the perfect time to go and make new friends, but I chose poorly.

Long story short, things kept up for a few months. The dude ended up developing feelings for me, which made things awkward between me and the girl because she started becoming jealous (as anybody would). She began to avoid/ignore me, while I was still living with her (in the same apartment complex as the dude by the way). Just all sorts of messed up.

I wish this were where I told you that I learned my lesson but, I didn’t. I have a stubborn way about me where I just have to learn the absolute hardest way possible.

But, I’ve learned that where there is suffering, there is perseverance also.

 

Dear Lord, I have definitely had my fair share of suffering, but I am oh so thankful for Your unending grace and mercy. Your love knows no limits. It is so incredible to be able to look back on these difficult times and be able to see Your hand that I couldn’t see before-mainly because I wasn’t even looking for it. Help me look for You, Lord, in everything I do. Help me to see things from Your perspective in that present moment, so that when I do look back, remembering Your great works, I can remember how much smoother the journey is when I include you. I pray that I learn from my mistakes. Turn this mess of mine, O God, into Your message. I pray that people see You in this-that even though we make mistake after mistake, sin after sin, there is NOTHING that could separate us from You. Your grace abounds. There is never a mess too messy or a mistake made too much. You are always there! In Your name I pray, Amen!

Mom or friend?

Mom or friend?

When my dad left, mom didn’t really know where she fit into the equation when it came to being a single parent. She all of a sudden started becoming my best friend. She let me cuss, do more grown-up things, let me in on her conversations-just things I probably shouldn’t have been doing or been a part of.

But, I thought my mom was being cool when she was my friend. All of my friends thought she was the “cool mom” which made me cool, too! When I didn’t like her was when she would all of a sudden decide she needed to be a parent. Whoa! Where did that come from?

Once she crossed the line of being my friend at that age (middle school), it was hard to go back and be the mom. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, I needed my mom then, not a friend. She did, indeed, come through as my mom when she needed to be and I really enjoyed being friends, but it’s so much easier being friends now when she doesn’t have to be mom (even though she will always be mom-you get my point).

I really think the whole crossing the line too early business really made our relationship a lot more rocky than it needed to be-especially during my rebellious years. It just made things a lot more complicated than they needed to be.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Looking for love in all the wrong places

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Once I lost my virginity, there was nothing holding me back. I began associating sex with just something to do, not an emotionally connected thing. I completely detached myself from having any feelings what so ever when it came to that.

I began having sex just to have it. I didn’t think about the people I may or may not have been hurting. I didn’t think about the repercussions of my actions. I had already lost it. I couldn’t get it back. So, what was the point in fretting over it. I couldn’t change the situation. It was too late. It was a done deal.

Secretly, I was looking for something or someone to fill me up-to satisfy the emptiness I was feeling inside. I was looking to this guy or this girl to “fix me” and my problems. I was waiting on this person to come along and make me feel wanted and to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. But, before now, I would’ve never admitted that to anybody. I was too “tough” for that nonsense. I would tell myself that I was fine, that I didn’t have any problems. Pride is a real killer.

I set them up to fail before it ever began. I never took the time for people to actually get to know me. I didn’t make them work for what they wanted (sex). Most of the time I would be with people who I knew for sure it would never work out with just so I wouldn’t get hurt.

I was in no shape or form to “love” somebody, though. The saying goes, “you must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else” (Sonja Mylin), and I despised who I was. There were some days I would look in the mirror and truly not know who I was. Who would want to be with somebody like that?

 

Dear Lord, I’m so thankful that You are enough. There is nothing else I need but You. You are the only thing that can satisfy me. You are the only thing that can truly fill me up. Other worldly things might hold me over for a short period of time, but it will never be enough. Help me to remember that people are always going to let me down, they’re human and make mistakes. Help me to remember that other people’s opinions of me shouldn’t matter more than Your opinion of me.  You, O God, will never let me down. You are unchanging. You are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Help me remain in Your promises and Your truths. No one else but You, O God. In Your name I pray, Amen!

Lost

Lost

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Sadly, I lost my virginity due to trying to make Her jealous. In my sick, twisted mind I thought that if she knew somebody else could make me happy, she would finally want to be with me. But, the reality of it was that she never really wanted to be with me, she just wanted the things that were beneficial to her.

Growing up, people always said I would be emotionally attached to my first, so when that didn’t happen I thought something was wrong with me. Sure, I entertained the idea of being with this guy but it honestly didn’t make a difference to me. Maybe because there was no emotional attachment to begin with, there was nothing there at all.

I had numbed myself right into oblivion basically. Nothing mattered to me. I was indifferent about things that I used to be either extremely passionate about or totally against. All because I wanted the attention of somebody who didn’t give two craps about me. How low my self-esteem was-my self-worth. That’s what I thought I deserved and honestly if I hadn’t had people in my life telling me otherwise I probably would’ve settled for that for who knows how long.

 

Dear Lord, I pray that nobody has to compromise who they are just to get the attention of someone else. I pray that people who do or have felt like that find that Your attention is all they need. Worldly things will never be enough. Only You are enough for us. We will spend all of our days searching for something to fill us up if we don’t have You. Fill me up, O God. Help me to always remember that  You are sufficient for me. In Your name I pray, Amen!

 

Her Part 2

Her Part 2

The sick, twisted part about the whole situation is somewhere deep down, this is what I thought I deserved-it is what I told myself I deserved..png

No matter what mom did to try to keep me away from her or how badly this girl treated me, I went back time and time again. It was like I was some lost puppy who, no matter how many times I was kicked or beaten, I always went back for more. Oh, I would get my act together long enough to have things running smoothly again but as soon as things were fine, I’d go running right back to her.

When I got out of the hospital, mom had explained to me who had called to check on me. She wasn’t one of those few. I was fed up with her crap and swore her off for good. It may have been a couple of weeks tops before I was right back with her.

A lot of people think that just because a girl is dating a girl different rules apply. I surely can’t speak for everybody but for me, dating is dating. I commit to one person and that is that-we are either dating or we’re not. You don’t get me and somebody else too. (Disclaimer*:So I’m not a hypocrite, this excludes a few years)

With this chick, for some reason, I was so desperate I didn’t care who else she was with. Desperate enough to live with her and her boyfriend. Desperate enough to be the excuse she needed to get out of the house so that I could drive her to another man’s house to listen to them have sex. Desperate enough to be her live in baby sitter while she was out “working” when she was really just going out and partying.

She lied about so many things. Some lies I actually caught her in but she just turned it around and somehow convinced me it was all my fault. I wish I could blame it on being naive but honestly I was just plain stupid. And obviously my self-esteem was at an all time low the entire time this girl was in my life.

The sick, twisted part about the whole situation is somewhere deep down, this is what I thought I deserved-it is what I told myself I deserved. I didn’t think anybody was going to love me that I had to take what I could get. So what if I was being treated worse than dirt? So what if she didn’t really care about me? She sure as hell told me everything I wanted to hear and she definitely told me enough to keep me holding on.

I can say that eventually I did completely cut her off. She would still try to get in touch with me and it always seemed to be at points in my life when everything was going exceedingly well. But, some how some way I fought the urge to run back to her and eventually moved on with my life! (Celebrate good times, come on!)

 

Dear Lord, toxic relationships of any kind stink. I’m thankful for the life lessons I got out of those few years of dealing with all of that toxicity but I am also so thankful to have that season of my life behind me. I pray that young girls don’t settle for less than they deserve like I did-women at all for that matter. I pray with all of might that they know their true worth in You. Nothing else in this world can fill us up the way You fill us up. We will never be complete without You. We can try with all our might, but it will never work chasing worldly things. We will always find ourselves feeling empty without you. Help us to remember that a relationship can’t fix our problems, a person can’t fix us. Only You mend our brokenness. Heal my brokenness, O God and fill me up. Help me to remember who I am and Whose I am. In Your name I pray, Amen!