For the longest time I was so jealous of my brother. He got to go hunting and fishing-at least invited anyway. Those were always considered “boy things” and I wasn’t supposed to want to go. It wasn’t even that i necessarily wanted to go, I just wanted to spend time with my dad.
Dad always had his own ideas about what women should do. He thought we should be cleaning the house and cooking and waiting on men hand and foot. I’m not saying his opinions were wrong, they were just a little outdated. As a girl, wanting to go hunting with him didn’t fit into his ideas.
I did get to go a time or two. This one time we went to the hunting club with a bunch of people dad knew. They were all drinking and playing cards and dad let Jamie and I jump in. We ended up winning some money and dang if dad didn’t try to talk us into owing him money for taking us or some weird backwards crap. He ended up drinking too much that night and the next day sitting in the deer stand with him was something awful. I spent most of the morning listening to him hack over the side. But sure enough, after all that hacking, as we were getting down from the stand a doe jumped out of the bushes below us. The darn thing had been there the whole time.
I enjoyed that trip-even though it really wasn’t all that great. But I finally felt like i belonged. I was included.
I wasn’t always jealous of my brother and I’m not jealous of him now. Growing up, we were the absolute best of friends. We’d play cops and robbers and cowboys and indians. We’d ride our bikes together all over the neighborhood. Go down to the creek and pretend to be on some wild adventure. We’d gang up on the neighborhood kids if they were picking on one of us.
I didn’t even realize until later on that I had been jealous of him at one point in time. I don’t know why though, because he was striving for the same thing I was-I just didn’t see it that way back then. I saw dad and Jamie shooting hoops, Jamie saw getting knocked down by dad (on purpose) to “make him a man”. I saw Jamie getting to go on side jobs, Jamie saw dad with women on the side. It’s crazy how different our perspectives were-even living under the same roof.
The perspective thing brings me to God. So many times my perspective is wrong. I either think about what’s in it for me or why is this happening to me rather than what God is trying to teach me in the hardships I face. It’s so hard to keep a Godly perspective on things that cut deep down to the core, but that is when we need Him the most.
If I had allowed my jealousy to surface back then, Jamie and I would have never had the close friendship we did. The only reason it surfaced later on is because I had to deal with all the emotions I buried deep down inside.
I was jealous because I thought he had something I didn’t-a relationship with dad. But the truth of the matter is, neither one of us had the relationship we wanted with him. And now, he is the only person in the world who knows 100% how I felt!
I’m so thankful the jealousy was addressed and dealt with and that I was able to have a brother to be there for me when other people had no clue what was going on.
Dear Lord, I pray that children don’t have to fight for the attention of a father. That they find Your attention and it fill them up to the point they don’t feel like they need to look elsewhere. Your love is the only love that satisfies us completely. Let that be enough today, Lord. Let me be satisfied in Your love. I also pray that dads out there step up and follow You and then lead their families to do the same. In Your name I pray, Amen!