Identity Crisis

In middle school I thought I might want to be gay. I didn’t actually “come out” until freshman year of high school because I got picked on about it in seventh or eighth grade and denied it. 

I think mostly I was just curious and experimental. But I was craving attention and when I came out, I definitely got some. 

Growing up, all my dad wanted was a boy. ( I talked about how my dad always had a very sexist view on things in a previous post.) I felt like in order for him to notice me or for me to be good enough for him, I needed to be more boyish. So, what better way to do so than to like girls. 

I was already a tomboy, but then I took it a step further and started wearing boy clothes and even shaved my head. None of that worked. He only started picking on me and would knock my hat off when he’d see me. 

My emotions were all over the place. For anybody wondering, girls aren’t any easier to be with than boys!! In fact, there’s so much more drama. 

As girls, it’s natural to love your friends. But I was always taking things further. I was confusing normal friend-love with something more. 

I honestly think most of my being gay had to do with my distrust of men. My dad didn’t pay me the attention I desired or treat my mom like a woman should be treated by a man. My first love had just broken up with me and my basketball coach was leaving, who I’d really looked up to as a male role model. I came to this conclusion in my head that all men just always left. 

Who would want to set themselves up for that, right? Not me. So I closed my heart off to it and didn’t even give guys the time of day. 

Oh, but I would go around saying “love is love” but I was completely shutting that door and not even allowing it to be a possibility. 
Dear Lord, in this day and time we need You more than ever. I pray that people who don’t know who they are, find themselves in You! Regardless of their race, sexuality, or gender I hope they know that You await them with open arms. In Your name I pray, Amen! 


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