The months following the death of my dad and papa went by in a blur. I was in autopilot. I did just enough of what I had to do to get by. I spent my days running from the pain and chasing the high.
I spent all hours of the night running the streets. I was at a party almost every weekend-all weekend long. I would go days without sleeping. I would drink and smoke myself into a stupor.
I was lying to almost everybody I knew. I took so much time to build up this wall around me and was extra careful not to let anybody in. I was so afraid that if people really knew what was going on inside, there was no way they would still want to be my friend. So I kept them out and I put on this front like everything was fine and dandy. I was the life of the party but I was dead inside.
I was slowly losing more and more of myself, little by little. It got to a point where I no longer recognized myself. I was so far gone that I barely remembered who I used to be. And I told myself that I was too far gone, that there was no point in trying to find my way back to who I used to be, it was too late. I gave myself permission to give up.
On the outside there was this tough, hardcore chick but, on the inside there was this fragile little girl who had lost her place in the world. And there was no way I was letting anybody close enough to figure that out. I held everybody at an arms length. For those who knew me best, like my mom, I kept them the furthest away-to the point of straight up ignoring them or disappearing all together.
Dear Lord, even though I was telling myself I was too far gone, that it was too late, those are lies the enemy wanted me to believe. With You, there is no such thing as too far gone or too late. Oh am I thankful for that. There isn’t anywhere that I could go to outrun You. There is nothing I could do to make You stop loving me. You made me. You chose me. On purpose, for a purpose, with a purpose. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. You knew me and set my path before the beginning of time. Help me to remember these truths when the enemy is so desperately trying to make me believe the lies that are so easy to tell myself sometimes. In Your name I pray, Amen!