No matter what mom did to try to keep me away from her or how badly this girl treated me, I went back time and time again. It was like I was some lost puppy who, no matter how many times I was kicked or beaten, I always went back for more. Oh, I would get my act together long enough to have things running smoothly again but as soon as things were fine, I’d go running right back to her.
When I got out of the hospital, mom had explained to me who had called to check on me. She wasn’t one of those few. I was fed up with her crap and swore her off for good. It may have been a couple of weeks tops before I was right back with her.
A lot of people think that just because a girl is dating a girl different rules apply. I surely can’t speak for everybody but for me, dating is dating. I commit to one person and that is that-we are either dating or we’re not. You don’t get me and somebody else too. (Disclaimer*:So I’m not a hypocrite, this excludes a few years)
With this chick, for some reason, I was so desperate I didn’t care who else she was with. Desperate enough to live with her and her boyfriend. Desperate enough to be the excuse she needed to get out of the house so that I could drive her to another man’s house to listen to them have sex. Desperate enough to be her live in baby sitter while she was out “working” when she was really just going out and partying.
She lied about so many things. Some lies I actually caught her in but she just turned it around and somehow convinced me it was all my fault. I wish I could blame it on being naive but honestly I was just plain stupid. And obviously my self-esteem was at an all time low the entire time this girl was in my life.
The sick, twisted part about the whole situation is somewhere deep down, this is what I thought I deserved-it is what I told myself I deserved. I didn’t think anybody was going to love me that I had to take what I could get. So what if I was being treated worse than dirt? So what if she didn’t really care about me? She sure as hell told me everything I wanted to hear and she definitely told me enough to keep me holding on.
I can say that eventually I did completely cut her off. She would still try to get in touch with me and it always seemed to be at points in my life when everything was going exceedingly well. But, some how some way I fought the urge to run back to her and eventually moved on with my life! (Celebrate good times, come on!)
Dear Lord, toxic relationships of any kind stink. I’m thankful for the life lessons I got out of those few years of dealing with all of that toxicity but I am also so thankful to have that season of my life behind me. I pray that young girls don’t settle for less than they deserve like I did-women at all for that matter. I pray with all of might that they know their true worth in You. Nothing else in this world can fill us up the way You fill us up. We will never be complete without You. We can try with all our might, but it will never work chasing worldly things. We will always find ourselves feeling empty without you. Help us to remember that a relationship can’t fix our problems, a person can’t fix us. Only You mend our brokenness. Heal my brokenness, O God and fill me up. Help me to remember who I am and Whose I am. In Your name I pray, Amen!