Sadly, I lost my virginity due to trying to make Her jealous. In my sick, twisted mind I thought that if she knew somebody else could make me happy, she would finally want to be with me. But, the reality of it was that she never really wanted to be with me, she just wanted the things that were beneficial to her.
Growing up, people always said I would be emotionally attached to my first, so when that didn’t happen I thought something was wrong with me. Sure, I entertained the idea of being with this guy but it honestly didn’t make a difference to me. Maybe because there was no emotional attachment to begin with, there was nothing there at all.
I had numbed myself right into oblivion basically. Nothing mattered to me. I was indifferent about things that I used to be either extremely passionate about or totally against. All because I wanted the attention of somebody who didn’t give two craps about me. How low my self-esteem was-my self-worth. That’s what I thought I deserved and honestly if I hadn’t had people in my life telling me otherwise I probably would’ve settled for that for who knows how long.
Dear Lord, I pray that nobody has to compromise who they are just to get the attention of someone else. I pray that people who do or have felt like that find that Your attention is all they need. Worldly things will never be enough. Only You are enough for us. We will spend all of our days searching for something to fill us up if we don’t have You. Fill me up, O God. Help me to always remember that You are sufficient for me. In Your name I pray, Amen!