Once I lost my virginity, there was nothing holding me back. I began associating sex with just something to do, not an emotionally connected thing. I completely detached myself from having any feelings what so ever when it came to that.
I began having sex just to have it. I didn’t think about the people I may or may not have been hurting. I didn’t think about the repercussions of my actions. I had already lost it. I couldn’t get it back. So, what was the point in fretting over it. I couldn’t change the situation. It was too late. It was a done deal.
Secretly, I was looking for something or someone to fill me up-to satisfy the emptiness I was feeling inside. I was looking to this guy or this girl to “fix me” and my problems. I was waiting on this person to come along and make me feel wanted and to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. But, before now, I would’ve never admitted that to anybody. I was too “tough” for that nonsense. I would tell myself that I was fine, that I didn’t have any problems. Pride is a real killer.
I set them up to fail before it ever began. I never took the time for people to actually get to know me. I didn’t make them work for what they wanted (sex). Most of the time I would be with people who I knew for sure it would never work out with just so I wouldn’t get hurt.
I was in no shape or form to “love” somebody, though. The saying goes, “you must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else” (Sonja Mylin), and I despised who I was. There were some days I would look in the mirror and truly not know who I was. Who would want to be with somebody like that?
Dear Lord, I’m so thankful that You are enough. There is nothing else I need but You. You are the only thing that can satisfy me. You are the only thing that can truly fill me up. Other worldly things might hold me over for a short period of time, but it will never be enough. Help me to remember that people are always going to let me down, they’re human and make mistakes. Help me to remember that other people’s opinions of me shouldn’t matter more than Your opinion of me. You, O God, will never let me down. You are unchanging. You are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Help me remain in Your promises and Your truths. No one else but You, O God. In Your name I pray, Amen!