Right in the Middle Of My Mess, God Gave Me a Miracle 

The count down was on. He got an opportunity that would take him out-of-state and I really thought she would follow him. But.....I ended up being pregnant..png

Things were just casual at first (if you can even call it that). I don’t even really remember how things transitioned to becoming more serious. But, next thing I know, they were both moved into my house. Occasionally, we’d stay at one of their places but not very often.

Some of you may be thinking, “How in the world was your mom okay with all of this?!?” She wasn’t. But, she tolerated it because, for once, I was home. For once, she knew where I was and wasn’t worrying about me. (Okay, she was probably worrying about me just not about where I was or if I was alive).

To say this was an adjustment was an understatement. I am a person who is all about my “me time” and this situation definitely put a damper on that. Luckily, I had a king size bed to fit all of us but, I was always stuck sleeping in the middle (how awkward that was looking back now).

In the beginning, everything for the most part, was pretty equal. It was an all-inclusive thing meaning we were all having sex together. But then things changed. (As do all relationships you take to the next level that aren’t supposed to be taken there or that are taken there too quickly). I started to notice that feelings were being developed. Even though we were all in a “committed relationship” there wasn’t really feelings there, they just didn’t want me sleeping with other people, because they weren’t. And anytime sex is involved, somebody is going to eventually develop feelings.

She started excluding herself. I don’t know if she was doing it on purpose because she could tell things had changed, too, or what. But, sex started becoming just between me and him more frequently. I asked him a couple of times about his feelings but he insisted he loved us the same-his actions just suggested otherwise.

Eventually, I was just over the situation. There was more and more arguing, hurt feelings and jealousy. I wanted out but I was so worried about breaking them up or losing my friends when in reality we weren’t even really friends to begin with. The relationship wasn’t healthy for any of us. And even though he thought we could all be apart of some “big love” polygamy society, I knew it would never work and I think she knew that, too.

The countdown was on. He got an opportunity that would take him out-of-state and I really thought she would follow him. But……

I ended up being pregnant. 

That broke them up. But, I still needed my space after feeling trapped for so long that I didn’t want to be with him. Plus, the guilt of breaking up a nine-year relationship was something serious. I knew that I had snatched her dream of marrying him and starting a family with him right out from under her feet. Even though she allowed it to happen, I was still just as much at fault for going along with it.

 

Dear Lord, I am so thankful that you took this mess and made something beautiful come of it. At the time, I thought nothing but disaster could come from this but, You had bigger plans. Sometimes You allow things to run its course so that we will return to You. And I am oh so thankful that You are always waiting there for me with arms wide open-waiting there for me to return. Help me to remain in You, O God! In Your name I pray, Amen! 

 

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