Seeking Him

Seeking Him

I had grown up going to church but, when I “came out” and started telling people I was gay, I quit going. I was so afraid I was going to be used as an example in Sunday school. I knew about God but I didn’t really know Him on a personal level. I spent most of my teenage years justifying my actions because I knew He was a forgiving God but I never repented of my sin. I was so angry at God for answering my prayers about my parents divorcing.

Once I had Mia, I finally understood, at some level, God’s love. I knew there was nothing Mia could do that would make me not love her anymore. For once, I truly believed there was nothing that I could do to make God not love me anymore. The feeling was overwhelming.

I accepted Christ completely into my heart and in my life November 12, 2014 and on November 30, 2014 I got baptized.

The significance about that date is that’s the day my dad killed himself (November 30th) and for so long I held on to the regret, the unforgiveness, and the bitterness that came from that. It was controlling my life.

But once I accepted Christ, things started lifting off of me. My burdens were no longer as heavy because I had surrendered them over to Christ. So, on November 30th when I was lowered into that water, I shed my old self-all the guild, all the shame, all the bitterness. When I was brought back up, I was given a new self, a new person, a new life in God.

I’m far from where I want to be or need to be and there are still things I need to surrender over to God but, I finally know Him personally. We have to best relationship that we’ve ever had. I still fall short everyday but I’m for once, actually seeking Him whole heartily.

 

Dear Lord, Thank You so much for always accepting me as I am no matter how many times or how badly I fall short. You never change. You never stop wanting me. You never stop loving me. Help me to seek You every day. Help me to put You first and to find my rest in You. Help me to come to You with my problems. Help me also to come to You with my praise! In Your name I pray, Amen!

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Avenue to Salvation

Avenue to Salvation

I wish I could say that I was overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant but the truth was I was overwhelmed. The walls were closing in around me and I felt like I was drowning. I felt trapped. Stuck with no way out.

The countdown was useless. Regardless of the fact he was indeed leaving, I still had to deal with him the rest of my life because I was pregnant with his child. I felt like nobody understood me or the things that were going on. People wanted us to get married just because we were having a kid. I didn’t want that and I was feeling pressured on all sides.

I threatened an abortion.

I don’t think that I could have ever gone through with it. And I know that if I had, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But at the time, I felt like it was my only way out. It was my cry for help.

I knew that I wanted him to be a part of our child’s life because of the fact that my dad was never around but I didn’t want to get involved with something for the wrong reasons just because everyone else thought it was the right thing to do.

Thank God I didn’t go through with that threat. I needed up having a beautiful baby girl and I honestly believe she (Mia) was the avenue that brought me to Salvation.

 

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life

-J. K. Rowling

Dearest Mia, 

If and when you stumble upon this, please know that I love you with every fiber of my being and I could absolutely NOT imagine life without you. You, baby~girl, saved me from my self and the destructive path I was heading down. God sent me you because He knew it was exactly what I needed at that exact time. You have been an absolute blessing. Please know that I am far from perfect and I make mistakes. I was completely self-absorbed and extremely selfish back then when I threatened that abortion. I hope you learn from my mistakes and never have to go through anything like that. I love you, baby~girl, more than life itself-more than you will ever know!

Love you always, xoxo, Mom

Dear Lord, Thank you so much for giving me a beautiful, healthy baby girl! You know what is best for me and Your plans are always immeasurably more than anything I could ever imagine! Thank You for being such a loving and forgiving God! It’s such a gift to see you take what I thought was the end of my life and turn it into the beginning. In Your name I pray, Amen!